Les Mis Song Parody Time!
by Risita
Summary: It's been done with other musicals, so now see your favorite Les Mis songs go from serious to ridiculous! Song 4 is up: 'At the End of the Day' becomes 'At 4:30 PM', making fun of little old ladies. Have fun!
1. Math Nerd in the House

_(Scene: A college dorm room. Thenardier, who lives there, is greeting one of his geeky friends.)_

**Thenardier:**  
Welcome, Eugene  
Sit yourself down  
And meet the leet-est  
Math nerd in town  
As for the rest,  
All of 'em posers  
Mixing translations,  
Transforms and transposes.  
Seldom do you see  
Geeky guys like me  
Memorizing _e_  
And counting bi-na-ry!**  
**

Math nerd in the house  
Handing out the fun  
Ready with a slide rule  
And an equation!**  
**Tells a nerdy joke  
Makes a snorting stir  
Something they appreciate with dumb laughter.**  
**See my graphing calculator**  
**Aren't all the features nice?**  
**With all my custom programs**  
**It would never sell for any price.**  
**

**Eugene:**  
Math nerd in the house**  
**Keeper of the zoo**  
**Loves it all from calculus  
To two plus two  
Lives on chips and Coke**  
**Toothpick-like in weight**  
**Doing sines and cosines  
Till he can't see straight!

Everybody's source for laughter**  
**Make fun of his scrawny chest

**Thenardier:  
**But never mind the teases**  
**Jesus! 'Cause at tangents I'm the best!**  
**  
**Thenardier & Eugene:**  
Math nerd in the house  
Glasses on his eyes  
Never wants an _x _or _y_  
To pass him by  
Pitying the slow  
Worshiping the smart  
Genius and philosopher  
Who loves his art!  
Everybody's source for answers  
Cheat off him on every test

**Thenardier:  
**Stupid little wheezers  
Jesus! They just know that I'm the best! 

_(To another nerdy friend)_

**Thenardier  
**Otto, come in**  
**What is this book?**  
**Algebra! Cool!**  
**Let's take a look  
**  
**_(Taking his math textbook)_**  
**This weighs a ton  
Homework's a pain  
But it's such fun  
For my kind of brain**  
**Here, the ramen is cooked,**  
**Here, equations solved,**  
**No question in this book**  
**Is left unresolved...

Work beyond compare!  
Work beyond reproof!  
Scribble down some nonsense  
And pretend it's a proof!**  
**Zero equals one  
Circling the square  
Add some contradictions  
Over here and there  
Derivatives are more than welcome  
Integrals I solve with pride  
I do all my homework  
Plus a little extra on the side

Start with seven lice**  
**Add them to four mice  
Divide it all by two and then invert it twice  
Circumference of this slice?**  
**Length squared of this cut?  
What percent of houses have their windows shut?**  
**When it comes to math equations  
There are lots of tricks he knows  
His IQ increases  
All those bits and pieces  
Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!

**Thenardier, Eugene & Otto:**  
Math nerd in the house  
Glasses on his eyes  
Never wants an _x _or _y_  
To pass him by  
Pitying the slow  
Worshiping the smart  
Genius and philosopher  
Who loves his art!

Everybody's source for answers  
Cheat off him on every test

**Thenardier:  
**Stupid little wheezers  
Jesus! They just know that I'm the best!**  
**

_(Thenardier's Girlfriend enters with a pack of Red Bull. Thenardier and his two friends grab it savagely.)_

**Thenardier's Girlfriend:**  
I used to dream  
I'd meet a guy with social skills  
But God Almighty,  
this is what I do for thrills!  
Math nerd in the house'  
Isn't worth my spit!  
'Genius and philosopher'  
- and boring twit!  
**  
**Stupid one-track brain  
Likes math more than sex  
What weird kind of lover  
Thinks of Pi when he necks?**  
**What a cruel trick of nature  
Landed me with such a louse  
God knows how I've lasted**  
**Hanging with this bad in the house!

**Thenardier, Eugene & Otto:  
**Math nerd in the house.

**Thenardier _(distracted by a math problem)_**  
Times that by one half—

**Thenardier, Eugene & Otto:  
**Genius and philosopher

**Thenardier's Girlfriend:  
**Ah, don't make me laugh!  
**  
Thenardier, Eugene & Otto:  
**Pitying the slow  
Worshiping the smart

**Thenardier's Girlfriend:  
**Can somebody tell him and a droid apart?

**Thenardier, Eugene & Otto:  
**Everybody bless the geek god!  
Let's all bless his future spouse!

**Thenardier's Girlfriend:**  
Yeah, right!

**Thenardier  
**Everybody raise a glass

**Thenardier's Girlfriend:  
**Raise it up the loser's a.

**Thenardier, Eugene & Otto _(raising their Red Bull cans)_:  
**Everybody raise a glass to the math nerd in the house!


	2. Cook Brown

**Cook Brown: Parody of "Look Down"**

_(Scene: Five "Valley Girl"-type women lie on blankets on a beach, sunbathing.)_

**All:**  
Cook brown, cook brown  
Lay on the beach and fry  
Cook brown, cook brown  
For darker tans we try.

**Sunbather One:**  
The sun is strong  
We'll soak it in till it's low

**All:**  
Cook brown, cook brown  
There's twenty shades to go

**Sunbather Two**  
I've done no work  
Just lounged here in this chair!

**All:**  
Cook brown, cook brown,  
No work? You shouldn't care!

**Sunbather Three:**  
Oh no, the time!  
Eight hours, could it be true?

**All:**  
Cook brown, cook brown,  
We got here before you.

**Sunbather Four:**  
When I get tan, I'll wow my man  
With my cute bronze bust!

**All:**  
Cook brown, cook brown  
And pass the tanning oil

**Sunbather Five:**  
How long until  
My skin begins to boil?

**All:**  
Cook brown, cook brown,  
The UV's what we crave.  
Cook brown, cook brown  
You'll see our skin and rave.

_(Scene changes to a doctor's office. Jeannie, a woman with a very dark tan, sits on the examining table.)_

**Dr. Javert:**  
Now hear me, patient 24601 _HMO gone awry, lol..._  
Your mole's benign  
And your appointment's done.  
You know what that means.

**Jeannie:**  
Yes, it means I'm free.

**Dr. Javert:**  
No!  
It means you must  
Stay out of reach of the sun.  
You are at risk!

**Jeannie:**  
But it was just one mole!

**Dr. Javert:**  
You tanned unsafely!

**Jeannie:**  
I had to help my skin!  
My sister's face was white as death  
And we were all pale.

**Dr. Javert:**  
You'll be pale again  
Without all of those hours in the sun

**Jeannie:**  
But I've been tanning for 19 years  
A slave of the sun

**Dr. Javert:**  
Five years out on the beach  
The rest on tanning beds that cost a ton  
Yes, 24601.

**Jeannie _(wailing)_:**  
Noooooooo!

_(Scene changes back to the beach)_

**Sunbathers:**  
Cook brown, cook brown,  
The UV's what we crave.  
Cook brown, cook brown  
You'll see our skin and rave.


	3. Cuddly Babies

**Cuddly Babies: Parody of "Lovely Ladies"**

_(Scene: Several toddlers sit playing on the floor, while their mothers watch them.)_

**Mom 1:**  
I smell diapers  
Smell 'em in the air  
Think one of these nappies  
Needs a changing over there

**Mom 2:**  
Cuddly babies  
Cuties at their best  
Seven days with one  
Can put your patience to the test

**Mom 3 _(exhausted)_:**  
Even mommies need a little rest!

**Moms:**  
Cuddly babies  
Waiting for a bite  
Cheerios or peas  
So they don't wake us up at night  
Cuddly babies  
Heeding nature's call  
Messing up their diapers here  
Or anywhere at all  
In the car or playing with a ball

**Bully _(to Baby Fantine)_:**  
Hey poopy-head  
Let's see your noise-making toy  
This teddy bear...

**Baby Fantine:**  
No way I'll give him to you...

**Bully:**  
I need him more

**Baby Fantine:**  
But I was playing with him

**Bully:**  
I'll fight you for him. You're far too girly to win.  
It's up to you.

**Baby Fantine:**  
But that's no fair.

**Bully:**  
That's not my fault

**Baby Fantine:**  
Please, not my bear!

**Bully:**  
Who cares 'bout "please"?  
I want to give that toy a squeeze!  
**_(Bully wrestles the teddy bear out of Baby Fantine's hands.)_**

**Moms:**  
Cuddly babies  
Some scared of the dark  
Seeing monsters in their beds  
Or fearing dogs who bark

**Mom 1:**  
Big ones, small ones  
All cry loud, my dear  
Scream a little extra when their teething takes all year.

**Moms:**  
Quick fix: put an earplug in your ear!

**Bully:**  
What pretty hair!  
What pretty locks you got there  
Looks fun to grab. I'm going to pull it, you hear?  
I'll yank the lot!  
_**(He pulls Baby Fantine's hair.)**_

**Baby Fantine:**  
Don't touch me! Leave me alone!

**Bully:**  
Then make me stop.  
I bet you can't, you stinky girl.  
Just think of that!

**Baby Fantine:**  
I'll tell on you!

**Bully:**  
Just think of that

**Baby Fantine:**  
I'm sick of this! I'll tell on you!  
If not, who knows what else you'll do?

**Mom 3:**  
Cuddly baby  
Messier than dirt  
Feeding for three minutes  
Had the whole bowl on her shirt

**_(Baby Fantine walks up to her mother and starts crying.)_**  
**Fantine's Mom:**  
Cuddly baby!  
What you yelling for?  
Just be good and then you'll get  
A present from the store  
Come on, baby  
What you crying for?

**Bully's Mom:**  
I saw you that poor girl over there  
You kicked her skirt, hit her and pulled her hair  
You've been so bad!  
Your behavior's the worst!

**Bully:**  
It's not my fault  
She was mean to me first  
Mommy! Mommy! She's the one who hit me!  
Mommy! Mommy!

**Bully's Mom _(to Fantine)_:**  
Come on Fantine, why all the fuss?  
You were mean; that's not OK with us  
Now you're punished for fighting with my son  
Join us right here

**Fantine's Mom _(agreeing)_:**  
Sit and think of what you've done!

**Mom 1:**  
That's right baby, you acted up a lot

**Mom 2:**  
That's right baby, time out's what you got

**Moms:**  
Old men, young men, they were babies too  
Making friends with rats and cats and monkeys in the zoo  
Poor men, rich men, leaders of the land  
See their baby pictures, they were never quite as grand  
Wearing booties, rattles in their hands!

_A/N: I decided to end the parody here, since the last few lines are too depressing in tone to fit in any way._


	4. At 4:30 PM

**At 4:30 PM (parody of "At the End of the Day")**

_Scene: A discount store in the late afternoon. Several elderly ladies are walking around, looking at the merchandise._

**Old Ladies:**

At 4:30 PM, your day ends when you're older  
Once you're eighty, you can't stay up late anymore  
Time for bed, but not before  
We see what kind of bargains they're giving  
At our favorite place to be, this discount store.  
It's our reason for living!

At 4:30 PM you start thinking it's colder  
Turn the heat up to 90 and still feel a chill  
And the young kids hurry past  
Think the traffic rules aren't for heeding  
Thirty-five miles an hour is so fast, they're gonna kill  
Someone with all that speeding!

At 4:30 PM, loss of memory's dawning  
Glasses go in your mouth, dentures go in your eyes  
Like the waves break in the bay  
We could drift off to sleep any second

**Woman 1:**  
"Well you know, back in the day..."

**Old Ladies:**  
We've got tales and advice to be reckoned  
We're a whole lot wiser than them _(pointing to young people)_  
At 4:30 PM!

**Woman 2:**  
At 4:30 PM we want something for nothing  
I've just heard that Aisle 6 has a sale on stale bread

**Woman 3:**  
There are grandkids we must call  
Bug their parents to make sure they're fed  
Do they eat enough food? Do they  
Go early to bed?

**Old Ladies:**  
And how warm are they dressing?

**Woman 2:**  
Have you seen how the shoppers are crazy today?  
Always crowding around, with their rude shoving hands?

**Woman 3:**  
It's 'cause social security checks came, they say

**Woman 1: _(pointing to the checkout line):_**  
Take a look at that long line where everyone stands

**Old Ladies:**  
At 4:30 PM your day's already over

**Woman 1: _(pushing shopping cart filled with cans)_:**  
With enough canned tomatoes to last for a year

**Old Ladies:**  
Play some bingo, play mah jongg  
But complain the whole time at the table  
Watch Food Network all day long  
Even though you've got digital cable

**Woman 2 _(sees another sale)_:**  
Ooh! Ten cents off each of them  
At 4:30 PM!

**Woman 3:**  
And what have we here, little meek and shy sister?  
Come on Fantine, let's see what's in your cart!  
Ooh..."Closeout Price! Save a bundle of money!"  
It's the very last copy  
Of this work of art!

_**(She tries to grab the figurine from Fantine's cart, and they fight over it.)**_

**A/N: **As with "Lovely Ladies," only the first part of the song really works for this parody, so I'm ending it here.


End file.
